Thursday, July 1, 2010

Wisdom.... Hmmmm part 1

Today loads of thoughts have been running thru my head. I am blaming it on hormones, Taylor, the boys, and friends. Let me warn you before you continue reading there maybe some real sensitive stuff, harsh stuff, and of course my weird random thoughts stuff. I didn't warn ya.

Today I started to wander what wisdom will I be able to give to my children when they get older. What things have I learned growing up, and what can I do for them. Unfortunately, I had a terrible childhood, the kind that destroys memories. To give you a heads up, my step dad (and i use that dad word very loosely) cherished me before my brother was born (at least that is what I have been told). I was his princess, took me everywhere, and even wished he was my dad. Sounds great huh??!!?? Well after my brother was born (and none of this is his fault, and i do love my brother with all my might), my step dad wanted to throw me away at the age of 4ish. He wanted my mom to get rid of me, and send me away to live somewhere else. His claims that I was trying to kill my brother. My mom told him no on numerous times, so he turned his love for me into hatred. He molested & beated me numerous times but I SURVIVED! So what wisdom do i have for my kids regarding childhood.... not much. I guess I can teach them to cherish each moment, friends will come and go, and MY LOVE will never turn to hatred (though i can get mad, I still love them).

Wisdom in love...... Ugg that is a hard one. I have been married before VirNon. I married him because my mom wouldn't visit me in my new home until I got married. So I found out when she was coming to AZ and I planned my wedding so she could be there. Not a very smart idea. So my advise in the love department.... Don't marry unless you are 200% sure it is the real thing. Also either grow up to be like their dad or marry someone like him, he is the best!

Wisdom in lost..... This one is hard. Virnon and I have lost an infant, and the one thing I remember someone told me one time: Parents shouldn't be burying their children, the children should bury the parents. This phrase has stuck with me for years, because it has so much truth in it. I believe the reason we where sent our angel, is because i had cancer. I would have never found it except i was pregnant. Granted Anthony stayed with us a little longer after we found out, but that is because i had a bad placenta, and if he wasn't the size he was, more than his life would of been lost. Since I have lost, I should be able to give advise, but i cant. I don't know how to tell them how to deal with the pain, the jealously, the anger, the grief, & the longing. I want to say with time things get better, but that is a cop out response. I know that I survived the biggest part of it, but I don't know how I did it. The toughest part is seeing a family go thru this recently, and I should know exactly what to say and do, but I felt incompetent. I want to take away their pain, I want to speed up recovery, I want them to have their baby, I want to rewind time and fix it for them, but sadly I can not. I do want them to know that Heavenly Father knows best, and sometimes that sucks. For the family who i am talking about, I believe you where sent your angel because of the IUD, without your angel, your husband and daughters may have lost you too. And you too had to carry so far so he too can take a breath, and to be held by the family.

Okay i need some tissues, and i need to take care of some mommy stuff. I'll be back later.

1 comment:

  1. I had no idea you had such a rough childhood. Thank you for being a wonderful friend, I never expected you to be able to tell me how to deal with the loss of Edward. I was just Thankful to my Heavenly Father that I had a friend who knew exactly how I was feeling, and would understand if I was acting crazy. Thank you!